Grateful in the Midst of Waiting

We passed court two weeks ago today :) We have been anxiously awaiting travel dates to go back to Bulgaria and scoop up our little guy for good.

I don't even know where to begin.  I apologize that it's been so long since I've written. At this point, I struggle to know what to write. Essentially, we are just in awe, and purely grateful for this journey we are on to adopt Rhett. It has been over three months since we met our little bundle of joy, and we are dying to go back and snatch him up for good! I would be lying if I said this process hasn't been hard. It has been somewhat unbearable at times. But, so so worth it. Rhett is joining a forever family. The dream that was planted on my heart over ten years ago is becoming a reality. 

We were given the opportunity to travel and meet our son at the end of August. Many people have asked us if trip one was what we expected. Honestly, we had very few expectations for the trip. I had never traveled out of the country before this little excursion. In addition, we had NO clue how Rhett would react to us, etc. Our time with Rhett was truly better than we could have ever dreamed. 

When we arrived in Bulgaria, we experienced some culture shock and a few moments of, "We are here, in Bulgaria, to meet our son- WHAT?!" On our first day, we found his orphanage (5 min walk away) and prayed as we walked around the building. It was extremely surreal to realize that our son was only a couple hundred feet away from us and we would be meeting him in less than 24 hours. Michael and I talked a lot about what it looks like to have an "uncomfortable" faith. Before this whole experience, I don't think either of us had been in a situation where we were truly needing to depend on God to the point where it made us uncomfortable. We've started to realize that we now crave the uncomfortable. We crave God stretching us to new limits and multiplying our faith as we watch him provide and pave the way.  When Michael and I got married, I was stuck in a cycle of chronic anxiety that tormented me for years. I truly believe that a lot of my anxiety, though related to health issues, etc., was also directly related in my inability to really surrender to God's will for my life and TRUST that he really does go before us, protect us, and provide for our every need. As I look back, I see that God was shaping me for the incredible adventures ahead.  I used to become so anxious about "not knowing the future" and now God is teaching me that it's a lot better to not know the future. Is it difficult to not know? Of course. But, He has gone before Us. You. Me.  Why do I every worry? Even as I write this, I struggle with the constant battle of contentment and fighting my lack of patience in wanting travel dates. The struggle is real, but my God is gracious. Praise Him for loving us even as we go back and forth, falling and getting back up again. He is our source of peace. 

His is peace indeed. We felt shielded by the Holy Spirit during our entire trip to meet our son. Our first moment with him was pure love at first sight. I think I said, "He's perfect" like 50 times! We were allowed two visits per day Monday-Thursday and one visit Friday morning. During every visit with Rhett, there was a sacredness and beauty that could only be described as Gods hand and hedge of protection. Rhett is beautiful. We are in awe, complete awe, that we have the privilege to be his parents. Each day, pieces of his little personality would come out. At first, he was very quiet and reserved. Little by little, he started making more sounds and letting his personality shine. This kid. My heart. Ugh. We are so in love. God prepared his heart for us and our hearts for him.

God continues to give us peace as we wait. We could have never imagined the pain we'd experience through waiting. But, this waiting has also allowed us to experience an intimacy with God that we hadn't before. I continue to find complete comfort and peace in the fact that God IS Rhett's father. When I miss his smell and his goofy little tongue, I know that God is with him and knows every single hair on his head. When all I can do is cry because I miss him so badly, I know that God cares for my son deeply and longs for him to have a family. When I grieve about the fact that I didn't know my son for the first two and a half years of his life, I know that God has known him since before birth. Rhett is fearfully and wonderfully made. I am blessed to have an intimate relationship with my God, and he also has an intimate relationship with my son. It's sort of mind blowing. A song that continues to speak to my heart lately is "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin:

I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
But I've heard tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased 
And that I'm never alone

You're a Good, Good Father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am

I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you can provide
Cause you know just what we need
Before we, we say a word

 You're a Good, Good Father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am

You're a Good, Good Father
And I'm loved by you

You are perfect in all of your ways
Perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

God is Rhett's good, good father. How beautiful that He chose us to be Rhett's parents. It is truly a humbling gift. Waiting is hard stuff. I am the worst at waiting (sorry Nancy). But, in this waiting I am learning about God's patience, his deep love, and his perfect plans that don't always make sense in the moment. I would wait all over again if I had to. Rhett is worth the wait :) Soon my baby, we will have you in our arms forever!